It has not been all doom and gloom this year. Artistic success has eluded me, but financially , it has been a good year. Both in terms of McJobs and paid film work, life in 2011 has been surprisingly lucrative. Going from a hand to mouth existence in 2010, the whole of 2011 has been surprisingly lucrative for me. Unfortunately this has not been from artistic jobs, but at least I am moaning about what I want to do. For many people in the UK, job security, pay, cash, they are real problems. For me, I do not see them as a problem or even a concern. My wages, although stagnant, has been stable. And because I am getting work from corporate films, I have managed to actually save some cash, which is a nice bonus.
But my main thrust is art, and in that respect, for all intent and purposes, I have been working in a vacuum. Again. And that for me is disappointing. Despite all my efforts, artistically, it has been another flop. No, there is a better word, failure.
We do not take to failure in the UK. Or in general. The world is full of taking things safe and easy. Failure is viewed exactly like that. But, if I am to be honest with myself, all my artistic endeavors since I have started filming has failed.
Life is hard, no mater what I will do, it will be hard work. To get a house, to live in a comfortable retirement, to raise a family. All of these things are hard. Emotionally and financially. A struggle. And ultimately a failure. Look around, the world is a con. The rich getting richer, the poor still in the same savage hell hole, fighting amongst the scraps. No matter how much you try, unless you are in the top corrupt 2%, life is a struggle. Sure, you may have Satellite TV or an estate car, but generally, no matter what you do to live normally, you will work hard, struggle, put up with s**t and get very little to show for it.
If I have seventy years to live on this planet (if I am lucky) and I have to put up with crap for most of it, do I want to do it struggling in a mediocre job or doing something I love?
I love filming.
More importantly I love writing.
This is why I struggle and fail along that path. As it is a lot more hopeful than struggling in a dead end job for seventy years, taking s**t for very little take home pay. If I am going to put up with crap, struggle at least let it be for something good. And more importantly, something that has the potential to be lucrative.
But how much failure can I tolerate?
And have I been enjoying my films recently?
Interesting questions, and what are the answers?
There are two paths for me to follow. One is work hard in a dead end job. Settle, mortgage, get a promotion or two, get swindled by a pension plan and by the time I retire, get chucked into an old people’s home by my ungrateful sprats (not yet born) to regret about following a mild mannered life that was safe.
Or try for something a little bit more. Despite the constant failure that has accosted me so far…