Vlog’s Up?

This is quite simply the most talebted piece of youtubing and vlogging since sliced bread. The opinions of the masses ad more importantly, the wackiness of Caution Wet Paint mixed in with some very talented people…

Our first Vlog’s Up Video

The Vlog’s Up Channel

Check it out and enjoy the fun…

The Cookie Crisis

‘The Really Tubby Cookie Company’ has been bailed out by the British Government to the tune of GBP40-Billion after last minute talks to save the company from collapse as a result of the Cookie Crunch that is sweeping the Global Biscuit Markets.

A spokesperson for H.M. Treasury had this to say on the controversial decision to intervene to stop what could have been the largest squishing of dough in the history of baking.

‘Cookies are fundamental to the structure of the modern day diet. To have let ‘Really Tubby’ go under would have meant a devastating effect on the world as we know it. For could we, as a society, really function without the fresh injection of cookies into the system. Virtually every British household would have been adversely affected had this deal not gone ahead.’

Lord Fat Cat of ‘The Really Tubby Cookie Company’ is set to step down admitting that ‘grave errors of judgement’ had been made during his four month tenure at the head of Europe’s largest dealer in Biscuit and Biscuit Based Commodities. Thanks to the lucrative contract that he was handed out and thanks to the lack of government care into how taxpayers money is spent (after all, Lord Fat Cat is a generous donor to the Government’s Political Party) Lord Fat Cat will stand down retaining his share options, a GBP2-Million pay-off, a villa in the South of France and his chalet in the Swiss Alps as well as a free car parking space in the City of Westminster.

Quite how the Cookie Crisis exploded so spectacularly in the face of ‘The Really Tubby Cookie Company’ remains shocking now with ‘hindsight’. Quite simply, ‘Really Tubby’ was handing out Cookies to anyone who waved a piece of paper saying ‘IOU, Promise!’. Without the proper research into the Crunch Rating of individuals or companies, ‘Really Tubby’ lent out far more than it received and in the end, when liquidity in the Global Biscuit Market felt the lack of milk, ‘The Really Tubby Cookie Company’ was left without any biscuits in the tin.

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It remains to be seen how the crumbs from this latest bite into the Cookie Market will be received by traders when the exchanges reopen this Monday.

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Now guys, this great piece of satire was on the Caution Wet Paint Blog over the weekend.

Yes, I have two blogs, this one right here and the award nominated Caution Wet Paint Blog. So if you do not know about the Caution Wet Paint Blog then click HERE to see why we have been nominated as the best humour blog at the blognet awards.

Then afterwards, VOTE FOR US AT THE BLOGNET AWARDS! Because I am so sexy and cool…really, we are…xxx cmd

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Do not forget, subscribe to the Caution Wet Paint Blog and see why we are soooo funny. Wahaha!

Crossings over the River Thames 16: Battersea Bridge

(This one’s for Sam – I know she loves this part of London)

This is the most accident-prone bridge in London. Every few years a barge decides to hit the bridge, the most recent being in 2005. The roads around Battersea are themselves fairly unsafe due to the sheer number of railway lines that dominate the landscape in the area. But enough of accidents, we are looking at the bridge. And this bridge marks the end of London’s classiest bus route:

(Why oh why doesn’t the 19 run to Clapham Junction?)

On my epic journey through London, Battersea Bridge marks the beginning of ‘Real London’. For where else do you get eccentric Victorian elegance matched by today’s drive for more road space. For this is London’s narrowest River Crossing at 40 feet.

The area around Battersea Bridge is a little bit strange itself. To the orth of the river lies the residencies of Chelsea while to the south is the ‘bustling village’ of Battersea, on of the few times that ‘Saawf London’ is busier than ‘Noorf London’.

After the dire sense of hopelessness at Wandsworth, Battersea provided some respite for the soul. It is crazier, compact, almost claustrophobic and yet, is fun to cross. What became a chore for me, a mission to see the River Thames suddenly brightened up. Maybe I am reflecting on what was a dire summer in London, but the sun did manage to shine ever so briefly that day and here was the hope of the journey ahead…

And yes the bridge itself is pretty. It is the little details that count. Something that would seem a complete waste of time and money today, was once upon a time a flourish upon functionality:

Possibly my favourite crossing to date, Battersea Bridge is a place that I use far too often but have never had the time to appreciate. Sometimes I forget the reasons why I started this journey through London, but it is at times like now, that I am glad that I made the choice to step away from the rat race and to actually appreciate the city I live in. Well, might as well take advantage while you can, you ever know what the future may bring…

Getting there and away:

Crossings of the River Thames: The Round-up!

So far on this journey through London, I have crossed the Thames at the following places, by foot:

Hampton Ferry
Hampton Court Bridge
Kingston Bridge
Teddington Lock
Ham Ferry
Richmond Bridge
Twickenham Bridge
Richmond Lock
Kew Bridge
Chiswick Bridge
Barnes Railway Bridge
Hammersmith Bridge
Putney Bridge
Fulham Railway Bridge
Wandsworth Bridge

And still to come are the following crossings:

Battersea Bridge
Albert Bridge
Chelsea Bridge
Vauxhall Bridge
Lambeth Bridge
Westminster Bridge
Hungerford Bridge
Waterloo Bridge
Blackfriars Bridge
Millennium Bridge
Southwark Bridge
London Bridge
Tower Bridge
Rotherhithe Tunnel
Canary Wharf-Rotherhithe Ferry
Greenwich Foot Tunnel
Woolwich Ferry
Woolwich Foot Tunnel

When I first started this project over a year ago, I never though I would come anywhere close to completing it and thought this would fizzle out, pretty much like any other online promise made. However, so far so good, I have stuck at this, with every month dedicated to a crossing, except last month’s report that became the photo fest of the Forth Bridge.

It has also bee an interesting tour through West London, and taken at a time when the area was booming economically, Now of course, we *know* better and while I am traveling through ‘classic’ London, I am also going through the city at a point of prfound change. Quite how society will end up as I get to Woolwich will be interesting to see…

On the Radio Tomorrow

I normally do not advertise the NuTalent spot on NuSound Radio. For the uninitiated it is a show where new musicians get to showcase their talent 6-7pm every Sunday during my radio show on NuSound 92FM. Anyway, the reason I normally do not advertise the spot is that there is a good chance that the musicians in question will turn up late or will not even turn up at all. It is the unreliability of musicians that:

a) leaves me with very little respect for musicians
b) stops me from plugging them on this blog.

However, I will take a risk with the legendary Jazz Vocalist Mariel Grande who is coming on my show this Sunday. For those not in the know, she is one of the best singers around (I have seen her live) and her latest album is simply wonderful.

As I said, I normally do not plug my guests, but this one is very talented. So tune in tomorrow for the NuTalent Spot from 6-7pm and check out Mariel’s music HERE. Her album is one of the few must buys that I can recommend this year…

The End of these Bastards? Probably Not…

Hopefully this bail ou by the US Govt. will not go through. Such is my esteemed hate towards subsidising the global economy. Of course it will go through, everyone is too spineless to see another 1929. And of course, watch out for our own version of drip feeding the rich, coming soon from the Bank of England…

The Comfort Zone

Feeling like life is going nowhere? Victim of the credit crunch? Just plain old sad? Well, you need comfort food!

Yes, sticky Banoffee Pie followed by a cold glass of milk. Mmm, feel the cholesterol levels kick in. And don’t worry about having a body for summer. For in England, there is no summer! So lard out and enjoy…

(Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for the state of your own internal organs after ingesting this much sugar and fat. Except for the milk, and even then, lactose intolerance looms, there is no part of that picture that is good for you, except for the temporary increase in serotonin levels, mainly due to the ‘banana’ in the said food. Expect a big come down an hour after consuming this food. Not suitable for diabetics, or those recovering from illness. You have been warned, now EAT!)

Celebrating the Morning Commute

Britain is a great country, at east if the history books and the propaganda serves me correctly. But even if we look beyond that, this cold insignificant piece of rock in the North Atlantic has punched far above its weight in terms of global impact. Possibly its greatest export, the English language, is used today as the world’s main communication tool. We can also look at modern democratic government and laws, fair trials, modern urban living, industrialisation, the modern banking economy (actually now is not eh best time to celebrate that invention), the jet engine, computing, the internet, modern multiculturalism, music, theatre anything. The list is endless, and I am not a fan of this country (blame the crappy summer for my current feelings towards the UK).

Of course, did we use any of these wonderful traits, expressions of our nationality, to showcase ourselves at the closing ceremonies for the Olympic and Paralympic games? Of course not. Instead, we decided to celebrate the morning commute.

Oh dear, how pathetic. The best we could come up with was a bunch of miserable, damp faces staring at their newspapers/gossip rags on their way to a job which they despise and the only relief from their lifestyle is a Friday night at the pub pickling their liver.

We might as well slapped on an a snippet of Eastenders and called it ‘Life in the Olympic Zone’ such was the accuracy of London’s contribution to the closing ceremony.

Or was it? That is the saddest thing to ask ourselves. Was that closing ceremony an accurate description of all of us. Is that the highlight of our lives. The morning commute? As we settle down to another day in the office, many of us hurtling towards the end of our twenties, we have to ask ourselves, is this as good as it gets. When 2012 does come round, we would have suffered through four years of recession, four years of the same old tripe. And is the highlight of our lives Friday night in the pub. If so, how alcoholic are we.

These questions are not difficult, but I hate asking myself these questions everyday. I look at myself and I think, well, I am not exactly in a great position myself. At the same time, I am trying to become more than the sum of my parts, trying to push myself everyday (and that’s why I was sick for the last week or so). But I have always maintained, I remember twenty-four wild hours awake with more clarity than the best night’s sleep.

In four years time the world is going to see a city in freefall, struggling with the expense of the Olympic games. Most of us are going to be a part of this system, moaning, not happy with our lives, but still commuting every morning on the bus. But how many of us are going to say NO to this system?

What Credit Crisis

W/Bankers, do not worry. We know you have made mistakes. We know that over the past fifteen years, you have paid yourselves stinking bonuses on the back of loans made to people who blatantly should not be let near a credit card/personal loan/mortgage. But hey, it does not matter. For Gordon is here. To save the day. After all, this is the time bomb that he built, it cannot detonate, at least not before 2010! His legacy was the fact that in every household under Labour, all citizens evolved into consumers. Now HD/Widescreen/Surround Sound was no longer the preserve of our modern day heroes the footballers and their wives, but were now in reach of the ordinary worker, armed with a credit card and a free Sunday spent queuing for the car park in their local town/shopping centre. For who needs religion when all our needs are served by new clothes, fast food and a hundred and one different Mp3 platers that come in different colours? (my fave – pink)

Oh yes, do not worry. For unlike the 4000 workers at Longbridge that only needed a measly £100 million, we will give you BILLIONS in order to prop up your opulent lifestyles and we will not ask you awkward questions such as:

1) Where did the profits over the last fifteen years go?
2) Where is the money that we (the taxpayer) are lending you going to?
3) Why instead of lending, aren’t we, the taxpayer taking a stake in your failed companies?
4) Why in times of good, government is bad for capitalism, but in times of bad, government is the only thing propping up this rotting carcass?
5) Why anyone cares for you people when it is you lot that have quite happily sent millions of jobs into extinction in order to save yourself a few pennies?

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I am actually a fan of capitalism. It does work. For when you are corrupt, capitalism has a marvelous way of eventually finding out (it is called the credit crisis). Unfortunately, capitalism does not work when government intervenes, and no more is it true when the bad times hit. The bottom line is this: There is a lot of rotten companies in this country that have built themselves up on an unsustainable mountain of bad debt. Now there are two ways out of this. The debt is paid off. Impossible, it is not going to happen. Secondly, bankruptcies and so the debt is cancelled. This IS what is going to happen. As the government is subsidising these companies, the taxpayer has suddenly got tangled in the money lending business.

For those personally in debt, the next few years are going to be hard, but then, you have had a great party all these years. Those TV’s, Holidays, Homes and Booze had to come from somewhere. For those not in debt, well, just sit back and relax. And do not save, inflation will wipe out anything you put away. Just work and spend, and watch as this crisis implodes on itself. For there is not just billions in personal debt, but trillions. In other words, if the government is serious about getting involved in the financial system, then it is going to have to sink that amount of money into this bloated system.

And this recession is going to last YEARS. Not a few months (hope in hell) but a good long five years. Anyone who is around 16/17 now, get set to take advantage of the world’s biggest free-for-all once the recovery begins. For the rest of us, tough luck, you were born at the wrong time of the economic cycle.

Yes, I am Sick!

If you need your daily blog fix, then head over here to the CWP Blog where Oli, Kuldip, Nick and Ari have been providing a far better quality of blog post than I can ever possibly manage. Thank you guys! (Note where the REAL talent of CWP comes from) Also my poor mother has had to put up with my awful temper and yes, I am a bad patient. Blogs will be patchy on here until October.

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Right, this is what has happened to me. I am burnt out. Last time I was sick, it was in 2006 and everything stopped in my life for four months as I recovered from the evils of Mosquitoes. This is not quite that bad, but the fact that a simple ‘flu has manifested itself into a serious mouth infection. Serious as in eating solids is nearly impossible for me due to the excruciating pain. If you do not like grisly details, do not worry, but suffice to say, this is not a normal set of events for a healthy non-smoking/non-drinking man who exercises regularly, eats five-a-day since childhood, etc, etc…

So, I am going to take another week of doing the bare minimum. When I return, I want to return closer to 100% not at some half-way house who will become sick in November for another couple of weeks. So blog posts on here will be patchy, but before September ends I promise to cover Battersea Bridge, the Credit Crisis (haha!) and the fact that most of China now believes that London is obsessed with the morning commute (laughing stock never seemed more apt. than now). And anyway, you do not need me, when there is Caution Wet Paint!

To all those trying to get in contact with me, APOLOGIES, I am on the case! My inbox has swollen up (almost as much as my mouth – haha? – well, if I cannot laugh at myself, then I will simply cry) and I want to reply ASAP. Give me time, I will get through to everybody. Eventually.

Projects. Well, apart from CWP, the other projects are going to be delayed until November. That’s life, and realistic. I would love to say sooner, but I would rather disappoint now that again in a couple of weeks time. The other projects are looking exciting, and so more will be revealed in the film making world of Charles Michel Duke…

Once again, thanks for all the kind messages, and sorry for not getting back sooner! And if you want to know why I still do CWP, then look at what the guys and gals have been upto this week! You lot are the greatest!